3 Things I'm Gonna Try that Prove I'm an Idiot

Apparently I just signed a lease on a new apartment. In some circles that means huge life changes, new routines, more free time, and more responsibility. Except I've had all those things already (because I'm an adult), so all it means for me is that I'm gonna drop down a few social classes (which means no, I can't get wasted with you every weekend. I know, it sucks). My bank account will be bleeding more money every month than [menstruation joke deleted].

Wait, this blog has user restrictions?

So what do I do when I already don't really excessively spend? How do I eliminate certain expenditures that crop up every month? What is considered expendable when all the normal expendable things are already expunged from my budget? How many words can I think of that start with ex? To curb the money burning frenzy my new rent is about it create, I've come up with three wild and insanely implausible things that I'm going to attempt in order to save some errant dough. Each more implausible than the last. Excelsior!

3. No more gym

I'm a runner (in that I run, not that I'm good at it), and I like to have a gym membership going so that, rain or shine, I can get my run on. The problem is that gym memberships cost money, and when it comes to being able to run at my convenience or eating a fairly decent meal, 9 times out of 10 I'm gonna take the meal. It doesn't help that I only use the gym for the treadmill. That's right. While my stringy arms continue to dissolve from disuse, I have gladly paid for a type of exercise that has been free to mankind since God had a drunken one night stand with himself and asexually produced the first man a mere six thousand years ago.

Just, you know, ignore those things.

The problem with giving up the gym is that, while it saves me twenty or thirty bucks a month, I'm doing it at the expense of running in warmth. Since I live in/around(/under? GASP!) Chicago, I'm graced with the presence of approximately fourteen months of winter. It should be as simple as buying some cold weather running clothes, but for those of you keeping score, that would cost money. And in this project, costing money is the only no-no. So what's going to happen is that I'm going to try cold weather running once or twice. The first time it will be hard but bearable. The second time it'll be a little bit better. The third time I'm gonna be ready to leave, I'll make any excuse not to, and then I'll sit on the couch eating tacos stuffed with pizza watching reruns of Scrubs on Netflix. 48 hours later I'll die of cardiac arrest and my Mom will throw my torso in the Cal Sag per my request. Don't worry, she and I have already planned this out.

2. Clean clothes? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no

Provided I survive the no more gym scenario, I'll be left with sweaty running clothes that can't realistically see more than two uses without a wash. I also go through a set of work clothes a day and a set of casual clothes. The washer and dryer are a buck a piece for 35 minutes of use each, so I might be put in twice the money (or at least plus 50%) to get my clothes the wash they deserve. Washing clothes twice a week will leave me with about $6 in washing payments a week. Four weeks a month times 6? That's like 24 bucks. That can almost fill half of my gas tank!

$4 for gas? Sure, now let me hop in my helicopter and fly to one of my ten mansions.

     1. Internet Blackout

Ahhhhhhh! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Sorry, just the thought of this scares me. Okay, I'm--AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--better now. I came to what is sure to be this horrible decision as I was looking at my options for internet service providers and realized that picking between them is harder than choosing between dying or spending the rest of my life at a Justin Bieber concert. So my brilliant idea was to see if I could go a month without the internet readily at my disposal. I think I can do it. I'll probably be a quivering mess of a human being, a shadow of my former self by the time I'm done--

Yeah, something like that, except less expertly realized and less revolutionary on the special effects front.

--but hey, if it saves me a couple bucks a month, it's worth it, right? What's that old adage? Money is everything and it can especially buy you happiness? But it's not like I plan on going without internet access one hundred percent. I'll still have coffee shops to go to and sit at for hours, just like when I was in college three years ago and--oh no, am I regressing?

All joking aside, I'm looking forward to the new place if only because it means I get my dog back and I don't have to drive forty minutes to get to work. And you're all invited over and encouraged to give me house warming gifts every time you stop by. That's how that works, right?